Father Child relationship needs to be similar to the relationship between the mother and the children. In a Moscow kindergarten psychologist offered for 5-6 year olds to play on “Mothers and daughters”. The girls quickly found themselves in the roles of mothers, daughters, grandmothers, but none of the boys agreed to act as a father – at best he agreed to play the role of the son or the dog. After many negotiations one of the boys agreed to play the role of the father – he sat on the couch and said, “Give me the paper and turn on the TV!” That way he spent all the time in the game. When the psychologist asked what do mothers and grandmothers do, all children, including boys responded willingly and in detail. For what do fathers do, they told very little and with common words like “go to work”, “make money”, “quarrel with the mother and child”, “punish”.
In fact, the modern father is often somewhat mythical, incomprehensible and inexplicable for the child creature. He leaves the house early in the morning, he is “out – working”, he is busy with something important and in the evening he returns tired. And usually he catches only the newspaper and the TV. Often the father is not a friend or a partner; he is accepted as some higher authority. Often he punishes the child. “I’ll tell your father, he will show you how to listen!” – Often threatens the mother. Such an alienation and separation in the upbringing of the child has become stereotype of our “cultural society.”
Psychologists interviewed fathers with a child under 1 year old about their father child relationship:
“Is it interesting for you to communicate with your toddler?”
“How much time do you spend in communication with him?”
“Do you play games together and what games do you play if you do?”
Most fathers responded as follows: “So what does he/she understand? Let’s grow up and we will play football together, we will go to hockey … Let’s the mother and the grandmother deal with him/her! ”
The lack of proximity often causes misunderstanding, mistrust, conflict in subsequent years of adolescence.
The very first contacts with the child in the early childhood are missed. Fathers do not communicate with the child till he is grown up enough to play games together. All this makes father child relationship difficult, which results in lacking confidence and affection of the child to the father. The problem with the implementation of contact between the father and the baby starts in the first days after birth and even during pregnancy, say psychologists. In the United States, Germany, France and other countries successfully operate “schools for fathers” which studied ways of communication, games and activities with your baby and help the father understands him/her and sees his/hers growing personality. Fathers who attended such schools more easily make contact with their children and more easily and quickly are attached to them. Also, they understand them better. In more general terms – they become better parents. Of course, the benefits of all this is for the kids, so they receive the best environment for their development, reached a high level of mental and personal growth.
In our cultural traditions it is not accepted the father to participate in caring for the baby in the first days after birth. As a rule, all basic care is on the mother’s shoulders. Father child relationship includes putting the baby in the bed or in the best case – the walk of the sleeping baby in a park outside. Unequivocally, this is not conducive engaging and friendly, partnership relations in the future. Soon every father becomes some mysterious creature for his child and do not know how to act in front of him/her.
This is confirmed by the results of studies that have been made among 5-7 year olds. They were asked to imagine the following situation: “You walk down the street and in front of you there is a banana peel. Maybe your mom will think that you will take and will dispose of it in the nearest bin to not interfere with people? What about your father?” Such situations were few. The aim of the experiment was to see from the perspective of the child how he/she is assessed by his/her parents, capable of a bad deed or rather good.
Most children surveyed responded that the mother rather expected of them good deed and dad – rather bad. From the resulting factual data psychologists formed the image of the father: he does not understand their child, expects of him/her “wrong”, “bad” behavior, evaluates him/her low – not just this or a similar action, but as a whole personality.
Father Child Relationship
Why children create such negative image of the father? What exactly in his behavior and attitude towards the child affects this idea? Our culture is not typical manifestation of love and affection of the father to the child. Rarely can you see a father and a son to walk hand in hand – they often close to each other, do not even talk to each other, as if the father only accompanies the child. Hug, sitting on the lap of his father, praise story about what happened in kindergarten and during the walk, the admiration of building a constructor or cubes, drawing, ability to dance well recited poem – all seem it is foreign and alien to the modern dad. Nowadays the most common love of the father to the child consists in the purchase of a new toy or clothing. With such gifts fathers seemed to demonstrate their love for the child and to them only redeemed him. But more than all these toys your child needs a father’s attention, understanding, friendship, common interests, hobbies, caresses. The father is not just a leader. The father child relationship should deeper. The father should be the man who revealed to his child the world by helping him to grow a skillful and confident person.
Another negative feature of our modern methods of education is the prevalence of censure above praise. Many fathers think education is to make remarks to issue prohibitions, penalties and it is in this see their parental role: “Get up quickly – you will be again late for school! You have to do morning exercises! Your shoes are dirty again!”
Perhaps, each father sees his son in his mind an old man who does need his attention. But his son is still a child, a little boy who needs care and love. It is useful to remember constantly – then there is a chance for you to improve father child relationship: to communicate with your child, to share his feelings, to see him as an interesting interlocutor, a person worthy of respect and recognition. The relationship between father and daughter is generally better and also has their problems, but that’s a separate conversation.
Make your own experiment. Take a clean sheet and divide it into two parts. Remember the previous day and write on the left – how many times you shouted at your child or punished him. On the right side of the paper write down how often and for what you have praised, flattered him or carefully you have listened what he was saying. Review your results and place an assessment for you from the perspective of your child.