Everyone who is going through a divorce needs to understand the divorce stages for easier overcoming this tough period in life. Divorce – it’s a separation of the two spouses or life partners. It is most often the result of a long period of family crisis and conflict in interpersonal relationships that cause mental suffering to both partners, and if there are children they suffer even worse.
For most people divorce is very problematic so understanding of divorce stages is the key of successful divorce. Very few people can say that divorce is commonplace and has not traumatized them. Every marriage and each divorce have their psychological characteristics. Not a new claim that all happy families are alike, but each family is unhappy in its own way. However, one can say that the model is inherited. If parents are divorced, chances that the grown child will divorce are greater because he/she will tend to solve his/her family problems the same way his/her parents used to. Divorce is common in people who have created a family before they reach 20 years of age, and those who come from different economic and social environment.
Often the going through the divorce stages is a very difficult period of life comparable to the period after the death of someone very close. However, when you get divorced the other partner is alive, nothing is final.
This fact occasionally makes both ex-partners think whether things can get back, whose fault it is, if this was the right solution, whether it is good for children, what are the consequences of loneliness. This is because there is hope for a new meeting and the opportunity to re-build the family and create security, and they still commit their thoughts.
In contrast to this group of people, there are others who do not experience such severe divorce. These are those who have suffered a lot in life together and prefer to separate as quickly as possible. For them, divorce is only the last stop.
Divorce is extremely emotional load as many visible and invisible links connect the two partners to each other. It is not easy to get rid of all feelings and emotions by breaking the links that are bringing many years between them. This is a moment of destruction of incineration to be able subsequently to build again fresh.
A child needs an incredible energy to break free from his/her parents, because they are the first love objects for him/her, in order to become an independent individual. Similarly teenagers wander between hatred and love of their parents, when it nears the time to leave them and divide them and childhood. The young man hesitates between his desire to leave his native home, trying his freedom and live his life – on the one hand, and fear of the unknown and uncertainty in tomorrow – the other side. Many of the aforementioned children and teenage problems returned again during the divorce as they may have forgotten, but reserved deep in the unconscious part of the mind and appear when you stand before the fateful choice “to be or not to be» ie before the decision to divorce or not. It’s that again we have a dilemma about parting with a person whom we loved, cared and we have received the same. As if repeating the events of separation from the mother, even though we are adults and we are not dependent like in childhood. In this interpersonal relationship we have invested a lot in the form of love, hope, work, effort to build a home and relationships in the family. There were quarrels, good and bad days, we passed together through sorrow and joy, pleasure and satisfaction. In other words, every family has a small history. It would be best breakup to happen without problems, but this is rare and often the story ends as a tragedy.
If in a marriage the one partner is seeking to satisfy his/her children’s needs for love when he/she was assessed and seen in his/her native family and the other partner is strong, supportive and doing sacrifices, then this unequal terms may hinder their psychological divorce. It is not easy for the strong to surrender and leave the helpless, defenseless and worried his partner. Fear and guilt how to let the other or how he or she will take care of himself/herself can create serious barriers to getting started divorce. It is very easy for the one partner to forget that the other partner is also an adult and have the opportunity for change and development, and that alone must take responsibility for their lives. After such a divorce the two sides found themselves in lines for which they did not know before, and divorce often helps them to find the right path. Why is that? Because one always has maintained and there was no need for the other to take responsibility or make decisions. Common sense and hands on one fought the whole family, so it was very easy and convenient to the other.
For dependent partner divorce means fear of the unknown future, fear of life alone, concerns whether he/she could ever re-create a family and whether someone will love him/her again. Addict in the process of divorce is worrying how he/she will answer questions from people, whether he/she will be abandoned by friends. This is because he/she always had a need for affection, love and support of others.
Like any crisis, this divorce has two sides – one is painful, severe and difficult, and the other is positive, ie it allows everyone to know himself better, have a better idea about the world and to develop in the right direction. In a crisis situation such as divorce implement the decision goes through various stages. Sometimes we make steps, then we go back to go forward again. Sometimes even one step can be repeated several times before proceeding. Interestingly, this process can take a long time – from months to years.
The first of the divorce stages can be named a period of frustration. Through this period one or both partners feel dissatisfied and are desperately looking for some change in attitude. Trying in every way to solve problems. So start conversations with acquaintances, friends and relatives with complaints from the family situation and dissatisfaction with the relationship with the partner. Here we ourselves complicate problems because we share them with other people and they can not give us the most accurate advice. It is best to seek family counseling. If, despite the efforts and even with the intervention of a counselor or counseling attitude does not change, then the intimacy and faith for improvement seriously weakened. In this period the sexual relation or disappears completely, or no longer function. Often, unfortunately, one or both partners starts cheating the partner and is unfaithful. Then almost all roads that could lead to solving the problem are destroyed. With our new, illegal and immoral behavior we show our partner what we dream about, but often this signal comes too late. The alienation between the two partners is deepening and becoming a serious conflict in the war. After such an event it is possible each partner to seek legal advice to see the rights and obligations of both parties, but it is also a display of power against each other in the existing war.
There comes a stage of preparation for the decision to divorce – the second of the divorce stages. This happens often when the one takes the initiative to leave home.
The next of the divorce stages is the period of implementation of the decision – the one partner asks to divorce – the third of the divorce stages. Often after expressing this desire both feel better. This is not an easy step; although the decision and information leading to surface calm, but really a special feeling of anxiety and fear appear in each of the partners. Everyone wonders whether the decision is right, if he/she will lose his/her friends, will tackle how to live alone.
This fear, which occurs after we have decided to divorce, can cause particular concern, as a result of which can again establish close and even intimate relationship between the partners. But in this new intimacy they experience again the difficulties in the relationship.
See again and again the difference between them, they are then re-start quarrels and conflicts and it is stronger than before. Now the situation has changed, ie, even one who was against divorce now is looking for it. It is possible to have a new wave of conflicts, one decided to punish the other by placing different condition of divorce. Unfortunately, many parents now use their children as weapons against each other. A ruthless struggle begins for the right to child-rearing, without thinking what is good for them. The problem between parents reflects on their children. With the intervention of lawyers partners are trying to prove incompetence of the other as a parent. If this legal dispute continues long after the official registration divorce, this will have a profound negative effect on children.
After this period of psychological separation comes period of sadness – the forth of the divorce stages. Often the partners try to find the fault in them – that because of the work the family was left in the background, looking in the past, admitting possible mistakes. Often one feels abandoned by everyone and confidence is at its lowest level. From these thoughts, doubts and worries may have originated in man hatred and anger against the other partner. They appear to think that the other betrayed us and is guilty and is now only interested in their problems. But this aggressiveness has a positive role – it puts boundary between the partners, resulting in a gradual confidence grows again and returned to a more positive attitude towards life.
This is the time of rebirth, when we begin to look more realistic to the new situation. The period of sadness, mourning and bitterness replaced by a new phase of recovery as confidence grows again. Only now a person uses his mind again and may decide sober and calm attitude with children and distribution of property without being set against his partner. At the end of this phase now marriage is perceived as past with bad and good moments, but the guy feels stronger than before and looks brighter future.
Only after this painful process that requires a lot of energy, time and courage partners already feel psychologically broken. Often through friends and acquaintances play an important role, since conversations with them clarify feelings, thoughts, emotions.
Often, one or two partners immediately after divorce find someone and create connection again. The problem here is that if defunct marriage was dependence, it is very likely it again sooner or later be transferred to this new person.
Everything in life can be perceived differently depending on the person. Even a disruptive event such as divorce can be perceived as a difficult but important life lesson.