“I can not explain myself what he found in her. She is older than me and with lower social status. I wonder what made him cheat me? ” At the beginning of my practice, in my meetings with couples I thought that marriage infidelity occurs relatively rarely. Over time, it turned out that I have underestimated quite similar incidents, because literally in every second case it was involved at least presence of emotional connection.
Another myth, which I used to believe – “The presence of marriage infidelity usually ends in divorce.”
It turned out that most couples manage to overcome the marriage infidelity and rebuilt their home, especially if they have Christian beliefs. I realized also that not only the absence of values but the lack of warm emotional experiences and a sense of closeness in the relationship, appears to be one of the leading reasons why infidelity occurs, regardless of gender.
Look, all of us have something like emotional tank and need different experiences, sometimes even unconsciously.
We need a break …
We need to try a different kind of food …
We want to go to a beautiful place.
Then, when our emotional tank begins to empty the availability of difficult situations, the behavior of people or simply the routine of our daily lives, we subconsciously experiencing certain emotional gaps.
Moreover, we associate as unpleasant behavior of someone who brings us pain and we tend to admire those who make us compliments or provide us with positive emotional experiences.
That’s why I often need to listen absurd claims like:
“I love him / her” … as it is a new person in your life.
You just have emotional breakdowns in your marriage and you associate pleasant experiences with love, having a tendency to deify your new buddy. It is therefore a matter of time to understand that your Romeo or Juliet is far from the love of your life. It is rather your ideal.
Due to the fact that emotional tanks of both partners are emptied, they may find themselves in the arms of someone else. Unfortunately, I noticed how some of these people were directly accusing their partners, claiming that they had emotional gaps. You can not shift the responsibility for your own behavior on someone else!
Now let’s talk about what are the emotional needs of men and women. In recent years, I’ve used the basic materials of Dr. Willard Harley, to help the affected couples to clearly define what their emotional needs and how their partner can help them to supply those needs.
Five basic needs of man in marriage:
- Sexual fulfillment;
- Relaxation company;
- An attractive partner;
- Home support;
Five basic needs of women in marriage:
- Honesty and openness;
- Financial support;
- Devotion to family
Of course, it is possible for any man or woman needs to be different, but in the majority of cases reinforces this very model.
If you feel distant from your partner emotionally, offer him to write on paper these needs together and ask yourself how you can satisfy them better. Emptying your emotional tank is not negligible and may want to fill up again – especially if there is marriage infidelity in your relationship.